Tears on the Gym Floor.

"All God's giants have been weak men who did great things

for God because they reckoned on God being with them."

-Hudson Taylor

We landed in Managua on May 24th and I must be honest, reality had not yet set in that I just left everything and everyone I loved in the place I had called "home" for thirty years. I was exhausted both physically and mentally! The months prior to our arrival I was distracted by all of the preparations of moving, trying to finish well with all of my daily responsibilities as well as still caring for four little kiddos, that I had not really thought about the part about actually living in a foreign country. The first week here was a whirlwind, we had to go out and buy things we needed, had to deal with purchasing a car (which if you aren't familiar with NicaTime, its completely opposite of American Time. Things move much slower here and its hard to accomplish many tasks in one day). and we were tourist venturing around our new city. My parents were here for that week and the day they left, thats when reality hit. They got on the plane to head home and we didn't. It was without a doubt the hardest day of my life. Deep down I knew this day was coming but for a year I suppressed it. The rest of the day was a somber one, we took the day to just be. I allowed my kids to cry but I didn't allow myself too. The next morning Nick suggested that Ellen (a friend of ours who traveled to help with the transition) watch the kids and we would go to a gym that was near by. As I walked into this gym I saw a community of people that I was not apart of and people I could not speak too. Reality hit and it hit HARD. Tears fell from my face and hit the floor of the gym. I ran out of the building and cried out to God asking him why. "Why would you send me here? Nick I understand, he is strong and capable! Lord, I am weak. You picked the wrong person for this mission. I cant do this."

The next couple of weeks I walked around confused and a little angry at why God placed me here. I was not adjusting well. My kids and husband were thriving and never questioned anything and as encouraging as it should have been it also was a little annoying because misery loves company and I was the only one who was struggling. I believed the lie that Satan placed in my head that I was too weak for this and that I was alone. I would love to say that I fought the lies daily but I didn't. I let them control my every thought and it stripped me of all the joy I had. I neglected reading Gods Word out of bitterness and my only prayers were filled with complaints and never thankfulness. But what a truly gracious and patient God that we have. As I am pouting, He is still actively pursuing me! And as I rejected reading His Holy Word out of child-like stubbornness, He allowed the book, "Becoming Elizabeth Elliot" by Ellen Vaughn speak truth to me. Here is a woman whose only aim was to please Christ with her whole life. She gave up all earthly comforts to follow a call that the Lord had upon her life. Her husband killed by the people he wanted to win over for Christ but yet she still stayed and she still served Christ. Before reading this book, I had a picture of this woman to be a strong, confident and independent woman, a person completely opposite of myself. But after reading it I realize she was not strong, she was secure in Christ! She was not confident, she trusted God more then self; and she was not independent, she was constantly following Christ. She was human, she has the same weaknesses that I often struggle with. The difference between her and I in this current state of my life is that she never doubted God's goodness. I had forgotten all that God has done in my life to get me here to Nicaragua. He has spent thirty years pruning me for this moment and despite how I might be tempted to quit and sink into the despair of believing that I am helpless and weak I must remember what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "..."My grace is sufficient for you my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecution, and calamities. For when I am weak the I am strong."

Throughout the short time of my stubbornness and trying to push away from Christ I never once felt His hand leave me, in fact I only felt Him hold tighter. Similar to how an earthly father would hold tight to a crying child and whisper, "things will be alright, wait and see. It will get better, trust me." And I can confidently say, He was right. Things are better and I am more than thankful for a God who holds fast to his children and never lets go and I will now boast in my weakness because I know that He is making me strong for His good and for His glory. I am still unsure on why he chose me to do His work but I do know that I want my life to be a used as a building block to help others reach eternities shores